your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
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