Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Randomize
