The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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