So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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