i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
