there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
