No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
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he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
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She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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