I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
