He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
