hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
