My first STD was from a foam party
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
