I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
