so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
