the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
