He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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