my mouth tastes like poor choices
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
