I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize