why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
