Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
