I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
