I could make wine with my vomit
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
