Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
