dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
