just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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