apparently the secret to your success is patron
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
