Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I will pee on everything he values.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
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