man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
