Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
