I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
