I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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