When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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