so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
