the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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