There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
