capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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