I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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