Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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