A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm both gender and math confused
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
