True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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