the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I will be naked everywhere
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
