I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
