I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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