Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
