Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?