I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
