the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
