Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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