I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
