I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
