Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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