my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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