i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
