Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I want her autograph on my taint
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
