do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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