i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
