I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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