I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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