This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize