The maid of honor just puked.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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