I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
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This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
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Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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